Transcript from Cheney/Bush Meeting with 9/11 Commissioners
4/30/2004

In a stunning coup, the NEW YORK TIMES has obtained an historic exclusive: a (confidential) transcript from yesterday's 9/11 commission interview with Cheney and Bush. There was no formal recording of the meeting, so the following text has been loosely pieced together from the notes of a 9/11 commission staffer.

CHAIRMAN THOMAS KEAN (R): Mr. President, Mr. Vice President, on behalf of the commission, I'd like to thank you for taking time to meet with us in the Oval Office this morning. I think we can all agree that this is of the utmost importance, even if these are unusual circumstances.

PRES. BUSH: Sure thing. The American people need to learn about these thugs and assassins, these enemies of freedom, these evildoing evildoers...

VICE PRES. CHENEY: [aside to Bush] Save some for later, George.

KEAN: Right, well, that being said, before we get started, I think I speak for all the commissioners here today when I say that, Mr. President, I think we'd all feel a little more comfortable if you weren't sitting on the vice president's lap.

[Cheney nods and Bush moves.]

COMMISSIONER SLADE GORTON (R): Gentlemen, what we're discussing today is a very serious issue. We're looking for difficult answers about our nation's greatest tragedy, and so my first question is this: Remember that time after 9/11 in New York when you grabbed that bullhorn and spoke to the people? Was that the greatest show of leadership ever, or what?

BUSH: Thanks Slady, that was good, wasn't it. I wanted to be sure to send a message to all those enemies of freedom, so I grabbed that bullhorn. At the time, it seemed the best thing to do. Later we figured the best way to send a message would be to attack a completely different country: Iraq.

CHENEY: [clears his throat, then shoots a disgusted look over at Bush] I think what the president meant to say was that there are many terrorists out there, in all shapes and sizes: al Qaeda members, Hussein loyalists, pro-choice demonstrators.

COMMISSIONER JAMIE GORELICK (D): President Bush, you have often said...[realizes the president has become preoccupied with a bug on the window]...um, Vice President Cheney then, people in this administration have repeatedly said that terrorism was your highest priority upon assuming office. Yet Attorney General John Ashcroft didn't include terrorism on his list of priorities, National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice appears to have done little to nothing to alert the president on the issue, and CIA Director George Tenet -whose hair was supposedly on fire - barely met with the president in the month before September 11. How can this be considered your highest priority?

CHENEY: Commissioner Gorelick, again, you must remember that terrorism takes many, many forms. Were we completely focused on al Qaeda? No. Did everyone in the administration [subtly gestures over to the president] even know who al Qaeda was? No. But that's not to say we weren't fighting terrorism. What about the terror inflicted on this great nation by the estate tax? Or astronomical taxes on special interests? Why is that never mentioned? We moved swiftly to eliminate these forms of evil terrorism, and everyone in the administration is proud of our record.

Or what about the terror inflicted by international abortion education programs? Talk about your global terror networks! That's why, within the first weeks of the Cheney/Bush administration, we moved to sign the Global Gag Rule, preventing any US funds from reaching any of these health clinics. Again, we are quite proud of these efforts.

[President Bush leaps off the couch to smack the bug on the windowsill. He misses badly, then slinks back to his seat next to Cheney.]

BUSH: Goshdarned flies. Tired of swatting.

COMMISSIONER JOHN LEHMAN (R): President Bush, what was your reaction when you saw the August 6, 2001 PDB entitled, "Bin Laden Determined to Strike In US"?

BUSH: I skimmed it - actually didn't read it all. Stuck a copy of "Bassmaster" magazine inside of it and pretended to read it. Old high school trick. "Bassmaster" is a good magazine, written by good wholesome American people. Al Qaeda members don't fish.

[Bush's voice changes audibly to a familiar low grumble.] As Condoleezza Rice told you earlier, I requested that PDB because I was concerned about al Qaeda's efforts, but it did not contain any new threat information. It was based on historical evidence. The fact that I requested such a document is evidence of our commitment to fighting terror before 9/11.

[Commissioners sit in stunned silence. Finally Bob Kerrey speaks.]

KERREY: Mr. President, are you ok?

CHENEY: I'm...uh, he's fine.

[The fly has returned to the windowsill. President Bush is once again transfixed.]

KERREY: Nice trick, Mr. Vice President. From now on, we'll just ask you the questions directly and spare everyone some embarrassment. If counterterrorism was of such high importance to this administration, why did no one respond to Dick Clarke's reports? Why did your counterterrorism task force not meet even once before 9/11? Couldn't this be read as a sign of neglect?

CHENEY: We did everything we could, short of actually getting together and meeting face to face. It took awhile to decide on a task force logo, and creating a new letterhead and business cards is quite a time-consuming process with all that bureaucratic red tape that tree-hugging liberals love to put in place. My first antiterror business card read, "Vice President Cheny." Now what terrorist is going to respect that?

[Bush has resumed his war against the fly. He pulls a cigarette lighter in the shape of Texas out of his pocket and creeps toward the window.]

COMMISSIONER RICHARD BEN-VENISTE (D): What about the August 2001 CIA briefing paper entitled, "Islamic Extremist Learns to Fly"? Did that provide any clues?

BUSH: I can answer that -

CHENEY: Shhh! Sorry. What the president was going to say is that he was completely focused on fighting the terror war from his ranch in Crawford, Texas at that time. The president finds that he does some of his best thinking about how best to fight terrorism while clearing brush from his ranch, fishing, and eating Texas BBQ. As for myself, at that point, my counterterrorism task force was still deadlocked over the important issue of where we should hold our first lunch meeting.

[Bush leaps off the couch and closes the window drapes, trapping the fly. The commissioners and Vice President Cheney watch in horror as Bush holds the drapes shut and lights them on fire to kill the bug. The room is quickly engulfed in smoke, and everyone is forced to evacuate the disaster area.]

KEAN: I guess that will be all for today. Gentlemen, thank you, I guess...

BUSH: Mission accomplished!

[end transcript]

End of April Fool!

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Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth. -Albert Einstein, physicist, Nobel laureate (1879-1955)

America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter, and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves. -Abraham Lincoln, 16th U.S. President (1809-1865)


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